Heerdink's EdD Journey

Using the chapter titled Connessione from the “How to think like Leonardo da Vinci” book by Michael J. Gelb, I have set off to write a blog post about an exercise from that chapter. The exercise is named Family Dynamics and reads as such:

“Contemporary psychology emphasizes the importance of understanding the “system dynamics” of your family to better understand yourself. In your search for wholeness and self-knowledge, you can gain valuable insight by contemplating the following questions about your family.”

For the purposes of this blog post I have picked my wife and myself to use as examples.  

What role does each person play?

In the intricate dance of our family life, my wife and I have naturally gravitated towards roles that complement each other. She is the nurturer of our family, imbuing our home with creativity and warmth. Her ability to turn mundane moments into cherished memories is nothing short of magical. On the other hand, I find myself in the role of the pragmatist and the enforcer, ensuring that our family’s needs are met and that our life runs smoothly. This balance, though sometimes challenging, has been the cornerstone of our family’s harmony.

How are roles interdependent?

Our family operates on a divide-and-conquer strategy, which has proven to be both efficient and effective. While my wife carries the “mental load” of family management, I focus on the time management and practical aspects. This interdependence allows us to play to our strengths, and interestingly, our individual weaknesses are often mitigated by the other’s strengths. This interaction is not just a matter of convenience but a testament to our deep understanding of each other.

What are the benefits of the distribution of family roles? What are the costs?

The division of roles in our family brings a sense of focus and reassurance. Knowing that we have each other’s backs in different areas allows us to concentrate on what we do best. This distribution, however, is not without its costs. The mental burden that my wife bears is significant, and I am constantly aware of the need to support her in this invisible yet vital aspect of our family life.

What happens to the dynamics under stress?

Stress reveals the true mettle of our relationship. My wife, who might fret over the smaller details, becomes a pillar of strength when faced with significant challenges. Her transformation into a calm, decisive task manager is remarkable. Conversely, I find myself more preoccupied with the larger issues, maintaining a composed front for the smaller hiccups. This complementary approach to stress has been a key factor in navigating our family through turbulent times.

What patterns have been handed down over generations?

Our differing backgrounds, my more chaotic upbringing and my wife’s more stable environment, have been instrumental in shaping our approach to family life. These diverse perspectives bring a balanced outlook to various aspects of our lives, such as parenting and financial decisions, ensuring that we remain grounded and pragmatic.

What are the primary outside forces that affect the family dynamics?

Our family dynamics are significantly influenced by external factors such as financial constraints and work-related stress. These elements often act as catalysts, revealing the strengths and vulnerabilities within our family structure.

What were the family dynamics one year ago? Seven years ago? How have they changed? What will they be like in a year? In seven years?

Reflecting on the past years, it’s evident that our understanding of each other has deepened. Roles that were once rigid have now become fluid, adapting to our evolving life goals and the simple fact of being together for so long. Looking ahead, I am optimistic about our ability to grow and adapt, facing life’s challenges as a united front.

How will the patterns of functioning you learned in your family affect the way you participate in other groups?

The lessons learned from our family dynamics extend beyond the confines of our home. They have equipped us with the skills to navigate various group settings, enabling us to contribute positively and effectively. The resilience, understanding, and adaptability we’ve developed within our family have become invaluable assets in all spheres of our lives.